Theodore Roosevelt once said “Comparison is the thief of joy.” I have found this to be true in many aspects of life. Today, I would like to invite us to consider our roles as mental health professionals and whether comparison has affected us in this capacity.
When I reflect on this topic, I recall times that comparison contributed to my own anxiety and insecurity. I also recall times that I observed others struggling similarly. I’ll share a little bit of my own experience with comparison towards the end of this post.
Comparison can look like:
- Hearing about a classmate’s practicum/internship placements and believing he/she got a better placement.
- Looking at else’s progress in accumulating hours towards licensure and thinking you aren’t acquiring hours fast enough.
- Feeling stuck in an agency setting while your colleagues talk about how wonderful their private practice experience has been.
- Starting a private practice and struggling, while comparing yourself to those who have described filling their practices almost instantaneously.
- And more….
At its worst, comparison can leave us feeling inadequate or less than. On the other hand, comparison can also lead us to believing we are better than others, which is also a tricky place to be.
Comparison is natural and it is going to happen. So, what can we do about it? How do we not allow comparison to steal our joy as mental health professionals? Here’s what I have come to so far on my journey, but I’d welcome comments and suggestions from all of you, too:
- Notice and acknowledge when you are comparing yourself to others.
- Reflect on the comparison. Evaluate whether the comparison is valid. Evaluate the meaning behind the comparison. Process the feelings that have been triggered.
- Make a plan for how to move forward. It is perfectly valid to have a plan that involves making absolutely no changes other than to let go of the comparison.
What does this look like?
Personally, the experience that has lead to the most comparison of myself to others is the opening of my own practice. The world of social media has opened me up to hearing about the private practice journeys of those across the country (and world), which is both a good and bad thing. There are more opportunities to learn from others, but also more opportunities to compare myself and my journey to the experience of others.
I started my practice nearly three years ago as a way to stay connected to the MFT field while being a predominantly stay at home parent for my two young children. Initially, I saw clients and supervisees one day a week. I will be totally honest that I was not in the business mindset for quite a while and didn’t do the work needed to get my practice going. I was focused on being a mom and the practice was not a priority.
At some point things started to shift for me. I realized that I wanted my practice to work and that I was ready to figure out how to make it work while also being a mom. Once I really started to work hard on building up my practice, some of the comparison thieves started to try to steal some of my joy. I would compare my progress in my practice to those I knew locally and via social media. During this time, I told myself a lot of “shoulds.” I questioned myself and overwhelmed myself by trying to keep up with what other therapists were doing to build their practices. I was stuck. Comparison was definitely stealing my joy.
Over the past two years, I have been reflecting a lot on what I want my practice to be and realize that it doesn’t often look like someone else’s dream practice. And I am more ok with that. But, those thieves still try to creep in. I am getting better at recognizing them and working through them. When I look at someone else’s practice and feel like theirs is “better” than mine, I really dissect and process that belief. I generally find that these comparisons are somewhat unfair because our goals are very different. Through this processing, I am able to better let go of the comparison and be truly happy for my colleagues while also recognizing my own progress. Other times, comparison inspires me to make changes in how I approach my practice. Either way, the comparison isn’t keeping me stuck anymore. I am able to move forward.
So, in some capacity, I do think Theodore Roosevelt was right when he said “Comparison is the thief of joy.” But, I also think that we do not have to allow comparison to steal our joy. What do you think?
I’d love to hear some of your thoughts in the comments below.
I was honored that Melvin from Selling The Couch invited me to come on his podcast to discuss how comparison can steal our joy. Click here if you’d like to hear the conversation Melvin and I had about comparison.
Sarah
Come join us to continue the conversation on The Vibrant Therapist Facebook page, too!
Exactly right. I have had this experience in nearly the identical way, with the same twists and turns. When I find myself sunk into the “how in the world did that happen for them just like THAT” point of view, usually because of something posted on social media, I chant the 12 Step saying I have come to know : Compare and despair. Compare and despair. …… !
I love this, Lynne. Thanks for sharing. I hadn’t heard the saying Compare and despair before.
I completely agree with you. I think comparing ourselves to anything or anyone else only results to a whole lot of unnecessary negativity. This then leads to the shoulda, coulda, woulda statements which are never helpful! For me, I need to stop and not only recognize that I’m engaging in comparisons, but to also understand why I am doing that. When I can understand the why then I can move forward past the who, what, where and when.
Great insights, Julie. I agree, figuring out the why can be so important. Thank you for sharing.
I think comparison is useful if you are trying to figure on what you can work on to improve yourself. However, if one finds it depressing and affected by others’ accomplishment, then it becomes detrimental to self-confidence and general well-being.
Irene, you are absolutely right. A little comparison can motivate change, but too much can bring us down.
Sarah- it’s funny I found that when I began my practice I was constantly comparing myself to other therapists who were years ahead of me in the process. I was so down on myself I think I was projecting such scarcity. Then I read a post by another therapist in one of the Facebook groups, and she said when others ask how her practice is doing, she replied, “it’s growing” instead of listing how many clients she had. This really stayed with me and I have been trying to appraoach mine in the same way, and it is growing! and I built it! Thanks so much for sharing this post!
Elizabeth, it is so easy to make unfair comparisons. I love that phrase “it’s growing.” I believe it applies very well to us as professionals as well as our practices. Thanks for commenting.